It is good to be back. I have been a busy bee for the past several months. I have spent a lot of time taking a “fearless moral inventory” of myself. No I am not in AA. But the Twelve Steps don’t apply solely to alcoholics. And if you are anything like me, you have spent the better part of your life trying to be who you think you are supposed to be, acting how you think you should be acting and wanting what you think you are supposed to want. Yeah, that last one is a bitch. And I have come to the painful conclusion that attempting to be all of our “shoulds” is a truly fucked up way to live.
So I have spent the better part of the last several months figuring out who I am. Not in a new-age kind of way but in a practical way. What is it that I actually like? Not what I think I am supposed to like, or want for that matter. Taking a moral inventory also means looking for the good in ourselves as well. It is not a list of transgressions and faults. It is an honest look of who we really are, what we have actually done and who we truly want to be.
A funny thing happened when I dabbled in Step 4. I started taking a “fearless physical inventory” of all my outward stuff. And boy, did I need to take an inventory.
First were my books. I am still working on those. Then I started working through my kitchen cabinets. I mean, I live alone and have for several years yet I have food in my cabinets that I don’t want to eat. I bet you do too. How does that happen? I have been moving a can of garbanzo beans from shelf to shelf for the better part of a year.
I then started taking an inventory of my furniture and clothes. Then came finances. That is where the idea for the jars came from. Do I have enough savings and do I truly need to spend my money on what I spend my money on? Do I even need half of what I own? I am coming to the conclusion that I do not.
So as I sort through and discard all the miscellaneous tchotchkes in my home, the only possessions that I am not taking an inventory of are Sadie’s. Her chew toys and bully sticks are not to be touched. Sadie has made it perfectly clear that she knows what she needs, likes and wants and I can just take my inventory and step off.